Well, hello again you little tryptophan junkies. I hope you're all juiced up from your turkey gorging and ready to take a lesson in manners from Bubba himself. That's right, I'm a polite mother fucker, so shut your pie hole and get out your pencils.
Today's lesson is cell phone etiquette.
Rule #1: If you're in a public setting, turn your ringer to silent.
I don't give a flying rat's ass what your ring tone is. You're not cool because you've got some new song on your phone, or Stewie Griffin saying some hilarious comment. Turn it the fuck off. You're not that important, and just because your phone rings doesn't mean you are.
Rule #2: Again, when in a public setting, take your phone off of speaker.
This rule applies to everyone, but mostly to Nextel subscribers like me. You have a button on your phone that takes it off of speaker. Everyone at the monster truck rally doesn't need to know that your cousin has herpes. Honestly, would you hold a conversation with someone standing next to you at that same volume level? Shut the fuck up, we don't want to hear you.
Rule #3: If you're in a movie, play, recital, or other quiet place, don't answer your phone.
Once again, dick wads, you are not the center of the fucking universe. If the call is that important, either A) take it outside, or B) maybe you shouldn't fucking be there. Leave you ignorant self centered scrote.
Rule #4: If you don't want to answer your phone, don't let it sit there and ring until voice mail picks it up.
I get it, you have caller ID and you think you're being coy by letting voice mail answer the call from the creepy stalker dude. Fine. Don't answer it. TURN OFF THE FUCKING RINGER!!!
And by the way, you're not fooling anyone by not answering it. In fact, if I constantly sent you to voice mail, I think you'd get the hint faster.
The people around you shouldn't have to suffer through your ringer - or God forbid, a stupid fucking ring tone (see above) - just because you got wasted and gave someone your number (and your bodily fluids). I'm sure you were in a rut and wanted to make sure the plumbing worked and that's why you mounted that sea donkey. You made the mistake, I don't want to hear about it. By the way, get to the clinic and get some crackers for the steaming cheese growing between your thighs resulting from that lovely night.
Rule #4.1 You were rude enough to let your phone ring until voice mail answered it. Silence it now!
OK, cock breath, you thought that by not answering, the person you were avoiding would assume that you were busy and you would call back later. Wrong.
They're going to do 2 things. First, they'll leave a message, and don't act so fucking shocked when your ringer goes off letting you know you have voice mail. Second, they're going to call back because that's what stalkers and other anal retentive shit holes do. So do us all a favor, either shut your phone off or shut it up.
Rule #5: If you're hanging out with friends, don't constantly be on your phone - this includes texting especially.
This is the most important rule of all. Whether you were invited out or you invited your friends to come out, the idea that you send to your friends is this: You're way less important than ANY other person that may be calling or texting me. I'm going to make you wait, because not only are these other people more important than you, but I am too.
If all you're going to do is text back and forth like grade school girls wondering when their vaginas will start bleeding, stay the fuck home. Your friends are there to hang out with you because they enjoy your company, but trust me you stupid ass hat, that won't last long. You'll prove to them that you're no fun, can't hold a conversation and that they have no value to you.
Enjoy texting the rest of the self centered dill holes out there, because no one else will want to talk to you.
Rule #6: If you must answer your phone, read or respond to a text, or listen to a message, apologize to everyone around you immediately.
There are times when we need to take phone calls and respond to messages. Apologize for doing so, and take the phone away from the table or other gathering area. This will make your friends less uncomfortable and you'll look less like a douche bag.
Rule #7: Lastly, if you have room mates or other people that live with you, turn your phone or ringer off before you go to bed unless you're going to keep it in your room with you.
We all have different bed times, and for those that go to bed early, they shouldn't have to be woken up. In the quiet paradise that is your double wide, it's unnecessary to keep your ringer turned all the way up. I'm sure the whole trailer park can hear it, even over your neighbor getting wasted on 5 o'clock gin and jerking off to his wife's Garfield t-shirt.
For those that stay up later, they shouldn't have to go turn your ringer off because you're sound asleep and it keeps going for 20 fucking minutes or until someone shuts it off. Oh, and if this is you, don't get pissed when you realize you missed a call even though you didn't have the little note on the screen when you woke up from your grizzly bear slumber. In fact, you should fucking apologize.
So there it is, kids, just a few rules to keep you from being ostracized or strung up like the egomaniacal bloody crotch rag you really are. Try to be a little courteous and you'll probably find people won't want to kick you in the balls as often.
'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
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16 comments:
Well said, Bubba. I hereby annoint you Cell Phone Lawgiver for Eternity. Take it to the streets!!
Amen! I would like to add that the vibrate option is widely underused.
Rule #5: If you're hanging out with friends, don't constantly be on your phone - this includes texting especially.
This is the most important rule of all. Whether you were invited out or you invited your friends to come out, the idea that you send to your friends is this: You're way less important than ANY other person that may be calling or texting me. I'm going to make you wait, because not only are these other people more important than you, but I am too.
Gee, Who might that be directed at?
Actually, Tommy, Rule #5 was not aimed at one particular person but a number of individuals. Some I know, some I just witness and curse at under my breath.
And Jake and Jason, thanks for the comments.
I was also reminded of one more rule: Don't be a BlueTool
The people that constantly have their BlueTooth in their ear, look at you while talking on it, and you can never tell if they're talking to you or on the phone.
Did I miss any others?
I think bubba is very alone with not many phone calls himself. Don't worry bubba you keep this going you might get a big enough fan club so maybe you will receive a phone call every now and than. get a life you wanker.....
Hey...don't forget about those fuckers who use the hands-free crap...Walking around the store, the streets, the office, or anywhere else looking like a douche bag talking to themselves. Or worse, looking you right in the eye while talking and you have no fucking clue if the person is talking to you or the person on the phone until you realize they have a life line hooked around their ear...Trust me jack-offs, hands-free does not mean "look how cool I am"...ooh, ooh, ooh...Or how about those people on the airplane that turn their phone on as soon as the first wheel hits the ground! If they can't wait long enough to get into the terminal they have a cell phone addiction and need to seek help immediately!
It sounds to me like Mr. Anonymous is one of these jackasses!
What up Anonymous! I'm guessing you're Josh, or Beer Dude, but who knows.
Regardless, if you're right and I'm a worthless piece of shit with no life, it doesn't say much for you if you're following my blog.
At least I know when to use the word "then" instead of "than" you retarded colostomy bag.
Now, quit hiding behind your mama's flappy vagina and come back when you've got something better "than" that.
Hey Sweet Tits!
I think you've got what it takes to be a regular contributor here.
Nothing better than a righteous bitch with an attitude! Welcome to the blog.
Yeah i must have hit a nerve.. haha
your funny babba. what have you been to jail or what. like picking up the soap. get a friend list
"Yeah i must have hit a nerve.. haha
your funny babba. what have you been to jail or what. like picking up the soap. get a friend list"
Wow, you're a bigger mongloid than I thought.
Seriously, dude, learn how to construct a sentence and complete a thought. I've seen back alley discarded abortions with more mental capacity than you.
Hey Bubba, you have 2 Rule #4s! I love it, reminds me of something that happened today in a meeting that we attend! I say Yes to the Nextel private rule! The only times you should have it on Speaker is when you are in your car driving or if you want to include a bunch of people in on the conversation.
Jodilicious!
Actually, I know it's hard to see, but there is Rule #4 and Rule #4.1
They kind of blend in. Should have used something else, I suppose.
Anonymous -
Have you ever noticed that whenever you sit behind a keyboard, some idiot starts typing?
The entire above should be edited to simply - No cellphone usage in public, or when friends are around.
Less blah blah blah...
Holy fuck, Josh, I mean Anonymous! You actually made sense! Good job, big guy! Keep it up and you'll be reading books with out pictures in it no time!
I think that Cellular phone usage (perhaps all telephone usage) should be a licensed privilege. Before legally driving a car, you must first pass a written and road test.
Why not impose similar constraints on cellular phone use?
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