Welcome back readers! It's Christmas time, so go green!
I find it humorous that so many self righteous liberal fucking tree huggers are out cutting down trees because Jesus told them to. Let's not forget that they're also out there in their gas guzzling SUV's picking them up.
Now don't get me wrong, I think global warming is a fucking joke. The earth's climate is cyclical, and more so it's primarily influenced by solar activity. If you don't believe me, I hope you scrape your foreskin off while dry humping the pine tree in your living room.
But for all of you who believe in global warming, I'm going to suggest a few things for you to help cut down your "carbon footprint." Oh, and fuck off if you seriously think you can change things, but here you go anyway:
1. Don't buy a tree. Not even a fake one. Plastic trees are made from petroleum products, and I don't want to pay more for gas. And if you buy live trees, you might as well go clear cut a forest and kill some cute little bunnies and deer with your own hands.
2. Don't buy cards for people. Hallmark is holding your brain hostage with half assed limericks. Besides, cards are made from paper. Paper comes from trees. Monkeys live in trees. You might as well be personally drowning a monkey in your holiday spirit.
3. Don't buy presents for anyone. Virtually anything you buy will be made or packaged with products made from petroleum or dead plants and animals. Fuck, you can't even give someone a piece of driftwood, because then you're depriving the earth the nutrients that would be returned to the soil if it was allowed to decompose.
Now, I know, some of you are thinking, "But Bubba, why are you such a grinch?" I'm not, but I think anyone that believes Al Gore is right should shove a pine cone covered in candy cane shards up their ass.
I love Christmas, but I want any of you that believe in global warming to go tell every small child you see that Christmas is canceled. Tell them Santa Claus had to lay off the elves due to the recession. While you're at it, tell them he's grilling the reindeer over his yule log because they were producing too much methane and making holes in the ozone layer. And by the way, Rudolph was delicious with Mrs. Claus'homemade cranberry glaze.
If you're not comfortable telling them that, then tell them that you truly believe their sacrifices are in the best interest of Mother Earth. Tell them global warming is true, and they need to forgo Christmas so we can all survive. And when they cry, I want you to collect their tears in a jar so you can go water the Blue Spruce saplings at the pine tree farm.
So Merry Christmas, you liberal brain-washed fuck sticks. Just try to eliminate your "carbon footprint" during the holidays, I fucking dare you.
'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
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5 comments:
Why do you have to fucking swear so much? I mean seriously, what the fuck?!?! Anywho, I am totally going Green this year for X-mas and not because I want to but because I have to! So Bubba, if someone did want to go Green & buy gifts, what would you suggest??? Obviously it isn't coal, how about Vegetable Oil for all the hippies out there who, like Willie Nelson, have converted their cars over? Or maybe make a donation to the Arbor Society to plant a new tree on their behalf. I think your readers would like some suggestions so they don't have to tell their kids that Santa IS a figment of their imagination and that Jesus wants us to give each other gifts because those 3 Wise Motherfuckers brought him gifts on his Birthday. Keep bitching though, I love ya & Merry Green Christmas!
Is this about Christmas? I thought it was about X-mas. Which is celebrated by fans of the X-Men. They believe that Jesus Christ was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, flying, walking on water, super human strength and the ability to destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up.
As for Christmas.........I hope that your hippie friends(and GOD knows you have a few) craft a gift for you out of pubic hairs and bat guano so you can't call them hipocrites during this holiday season. It's supposed to be all about LOVE, Bubba.
Shots for Jesus, anyone?
I for one was hoping for global warming as I fucking hate to shovel. I've been out back burning plastics and leaving my car running all day just to help with it. Oh well, I'm going to find some rare, almost extinct animals and drown them in some egg nog...mmmmmm...egg nog.....
If you don't believe in global warming you should read what Bill Steffen said on his blog.......
http://blogs.woodtv.com/2008/12/17/california-clobbered/
Thanks, Tommy. That blog is fantastic, but I'm sure Al Gore is going to take credit for saving the polar bears.
Regardless, it's still awesome that those fucking tree huggers still won't buy it. They're going to save the earth until the wooly mammoths come back, because humans helped to kill them, too.
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