Christmas is here! Ah ah, not for you, Hippie!

Welcome back readers! It's Christmas time, so go green!

I find it humorous that so many self righteous liberal fucking tree huggers are out cutting down trees because Jesus told them to. Let's not forget that they're also out there in their gas guzzling SUV's picking them up.

Now don't get me wrong, I think global warming is a fucking joke. The earth's climate is cyclical, and more so it's primarily influenced by solar activity. If you don't believe me, I hope you scrape your foreskin off while dry humping the pine tree in your living room.

But for all of you who believe in global warming, I'm going to suggest a few things for you to help cut down your "carbon footprint." Oh, and fuck off if you seriously think you can change things, but here you go anyway:

1. Don't buy a tree. Not even a fake one. Plastic trees are made from petroleum products, and I don't want to pay more for gas. And if you buy live trees, you might as well go clear cut a forest and kill some cute little bunnies and deer with your own hands.

2. Don't buy cards for people. Hallmark is holding your brain hostage with half assed limericks. Besides, cards are made from paper. Paper comes from trees. Monkeys live in trees. You might as well be personally drowning a monkey in your holiday spirit.

3. Don't buy presents for anyone. Virtually anything you buy will be made or packaged with products made from petroleum or dead plants and animals. Fuck, you can't even give someone a piece of driftwood, because then you're depriving the earth the nutrients that would be returned to the soil if it was allowed to decompose.

Now, I know, some of you are thinking, "But Bubba, why are you such a grinch?" I'm not, but I think anyone that believes Al Gore is right should shove a pine cone covered in candy cane shards up their ass.

I love Christmas, but I want any of you that believe in global warming to go tell every small child you see that Christmas is canceled. Tell them Santa Claus had to lay off the elves due to the recession. While you're at it, tell them he's grilling the reindeer over his yule log because they were producing too much methane and making holes in the ozone layer. And by the way, Rudolph was delicious with Mrs. Claus'homemade cranberry glaze.

If you're not comfortable telling them that, then tell them that you truly believe their sacrifices are in the best interest of Mother Earth. Tell them global warming is true, and they need to forgo Christmas so we can all survive. And when they cry, I want you to collect their tears in a jar so you can go water the Blue Spruce saplings at the pine tree farm.

So Merry Christmas, you liberal brain-washed fuck sticks. Just try to eliminate your "carbon footprint" during the holidays, I fucking dare you.

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.