Well, hello again you little tryptophan junkies. I hope you're all juiced up from your turkey gorging and ready to take a lesson in manners from Bubba himself. That's right, I'm a polite mother fucker, so shut your pie hole and get out your pencils.
Today's lesson is cell phone etiquette.
Rule #1: If you're in a public setting, turn your ringer to silent.
I don't give a flying rat's ass what your ring tone is. You're not cool because you've got some new song on your phone, or Stewie Griffin saying some hilarious comment. Turn it the fuck off. You're not that important, and just because your phone rings doesn't mean you are.
Rule #2: Again, when in a public setting, take your phone off of speaker.
This rule applies to everyone, but mostly to Nextel subscribers like me. You have a button on your phone that takes it off of speaker. Everyone at the monster truck rally doesn't need to know that your cousin has herpes. Honestly, would you hold a conversation with someone standing next to you at that same volume level? Shut the fuck up, we don't want to hear you.
Rule #3: If you're in a movie, play, recital, or other quiet place, don't answer your phone.
Once again, dick wads, you are not the center of the fucking universe. If the call is that important, either A) take it outside, or B) maybe you shouldn't fucking be there. Leave you ignorant self centered scrote.
Rule #4: If you don't want to answer your phone, don't let it sit there and ring until voice mail picks it up.
I get it, you have caller ID and you think you're being coy by letting voice mail answer the call from the creepy stalker dude. Fine. Don't answer it. TURN OFF THE FUCKING RINGER!!!
And by the way, you're not fooling anyone by not answering it. In fact, if I constantly sent you to voice mail, I think you'd get the hint faster.
The people around you shouldn't have to suffer through your ringer - or God forbid, a stupid fucking ring tone (see above) - just because you got wasted and gave someone your number (and your bodily fluids). I'm sure you were in a rut and wanted to make sure the plumbing worked and that's why you mounted that sea donkey. You made the mistake, I don't want to hear about it. By the way, get to the clinic and get some crackers for the steaming cheese growing between your thighs resulting from that lovely night.
Rule #4.1 You were rude enough to let your phone ring until voice mail answered it. Silence it now!
OK, cock breath, you thought that by not answering, the person you were avoiding would assume that you were busy and you would call back later. Wrong.
They're going to do 2 things. First, they'll leave a message, and don't act so fucking shocked when your ringer goes off letting you know you have voice mail. Second, they're going to call back because that's what stalkers and other anal retentive shit holes do. So do us all a favor, either shut your phone off or shut it up.
Rule #5: If you're hanging out with friends, don't constantly be on your phone - this includes texting especially.
This is the most important rule of all. Whether you were invited out or you invited your friends to come out, the idea that you send to your friends is this: You're way less important than ANY other person that may be calling or texting me. I'm going to make you wait, because not only are these other people more important than you, but I am too.
If all you're going to do is text back and forth like grade school girls wondering when their vaginas will start bleeding, stay the fuck home. Your friends are there to hang out with you because they enjoy your company, but trust me you stupid ass hat, that won't last long. You'll prove to them that you're no fun, can't hold a conversation and that they have no value to you.
Enjoy texting the rest of the self centered dill holes out there, because no one else will want to talk to you.
Rule #6: If you must answer your phone, read or respond to a text, or listen to a message, apologize to everyone around you immediately.
There are times when we need to take phone calls and respond to messages. Apologize for doing so, and take the phone away from the table or other gathering area. This will make your friends less uncomfortable and you'll look less like a douche bag.
Rule #7: Lastly, if you have room mates or other people that live with you, turn your phone or ringer off before you go to bed unless you're going to keep it in your room with you.
We all have different bed times, and for those that go to bed early, they shouldn't have to be woken up. In the quiet paradise that is your double wide, it's unnecessary to keep your ringer turned all the way up. I'm sure the whole trailer park can hear it, even over your neighbor getting wasted on 5 o'clock gin and jerking off to his wife's Garfield t-shirt.
For those that stay up later, they shouldn't have to go turn your ringer off because you're sound asleep and it keeps going for 20 fucking minutes or until someone shuts it off. Oh, and if this is you, don't get pissed when you realize you missed a call even though you didn't have the little note on the screen when you woke up from your grizzly bear slumber. In fact, you should fucking apologize.
So there it is, kids, just a few rules to keep you from being ostracized or strung up like the egomaniacal bloody crotch rag you really are. Try to be a little courteous and you'll probably find people won't want to kick you in the balls as often.
'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
