A Study of Local Wildlife
So to bring this back around, I decided after my family went to bed on Saturday that I would head up to the local watering hole and grab a brew. I suppose I didn’t make it clear, but I was back in town to visit my parents. There, filled in the gap.
Let me say this, since I have moved away from The Big H, a very nice microbrewery with a great selection of hand crafted beers has been introduced.
The Big H is also home to 2 other local restaurants with bars, one big chain restaurant with a bar, and the local dive bar. The local dive is by far the most interesting if you’re in the mood to see the wildlife.
There are fantastic displays of plumage from both the male and female Muppets, typically seen in extravagant mullets and Skynard t-shirts. The pool table is another area with a multitude of examples. You can commonly see strutting and the puffing out of chests.
The repeated feathering of hair – aided by large pastel combs conveniently concealed in the species back pockets – is only one more way the Muppets show their sexual prowess. Loud mating calls and abundant acts of violence are witnessed, surely put in place to determine territory and dominance within the herds. Truly this is a spectacle to behold.
While I enjoy viewing this type of nature in all its glory, I chose on this particular night to check out the microbrewery instead. I’ve been there twice, but both times were the night before Thanksgiving, which as you all know is the biggest bar night of the year. I wanted to see what this bar is really like on a normal Saturday instead and hopefully make a new scientific find.
I was quite surprised, and pleasantly at that! The bar had about 50 or so people in it, live music from a guy who didn’t play Freebird, and there wasn’t an aroma of sweat and smegma lurking in the air.
While the service was poor, the beer was reasonably priced and quite delicious. Good enough, in fact, that I will be making another trip down there just to try more of their brews. Stay tuned for that report sometime in the near future if all bodes well. If you know the place of which I speak, make sure to try both their Oktoberfest as well as their Pumpkin Ale.
Now, as I was there alone, I was able to view a whole new strain of Muppets in a new and less tainted setting. Here is where I realized that there had been a mutation in the Muppet gene pool.
The town folk who came in here were different. There was less than a 10% ratio of mullets to non-mullets. These Muppets had most of their teeth, and in some cases, ALL of them (see “gifted” as noted in PART 1)! There were no sleeveless t-shirts, no dirty hats, and no jeans with circles worn in the back pocket from their tin of chew.
And at that moment, I thought I had stumbled upon an enigma in The Big H. There were no NASCAR jackets. But then, as I was telling myself I must be in an alternate dimension, 3 of them walked in the door within 15 minutes of each other.
These were obviously the Alpha Muppets of the county, because these weren’t just NASCAR jackets, they were designer NASCAR jackets!
These “officially licensed” replicas were pristine. They were so realistic I could almost smell the burning rubber of the tires. In the distance of my mind, I swore I heard some driver incoherently explaining how he managed to pull out another win after putting a few guys into the wall.
The Alpha Muppets were instantly recognized and revered, although they seemed to not be together. They showed respect for one another as well as those around them. Secure in their dominance, there was no need for confrontation.
What a beautiful sight, being able to witness these exemplary specimens. I hope to view more of them on my next trip to The Big H.
And this, dear readers, is my most recent scientific observation of the Muppets in their new habitat. While the setting has changed and the species has evolved, be warned. These are still wild creatures and should only be approached with the utmost respect and fear.
If you’re ever lucky enough, as I have been, to witness them in their natural surroundings, stay calm, speak softly, and grab your camera. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wish I could have spent more time studying them, but alas, I was confronted and cornered by not one, but two of the most deadly species in a small town bar: the Sea Donkeys!
Coming next: The Bubba goes face to face with the dreaded Sea Donkeys!
‘Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.
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