After these Messages, We'll Be Right Back

Well, dear readers (although it may only be singular at this point), I am back, but only briefly.

I hope there are a few of you waiting anxiously to hear more about my run in with the ever so fearsome Sea Donkeys, but I'm going to be taking a break for a bit. Just as so you know, it's for family medical reasons. I don't want you to think I'm breaking up with you, but for a week or so there will not be much activity on my part.

That said, I'm going to try to work on some new things and ideas to post about. What would you like to hear my opinion on, stories about, etc.?

I must say, I'm currently enjoying the Grand Rapids Griffins. My dad and I are season ticket holders, and if you haven't seen them play yet this year, get your asses out there to a game.

I'll be more than happy to write more about them later, but let me know what you want.

That's all for now. Sorry for the even more lame blog than normal, but that's all I've got today.

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.

My invite to Anonymous

This is to the unnamed poster on KP and Stef's blog, T-Shirt Size: Awesome. Please, come forward and show your superior wit and intellect and post something on my blog.

You obviously are far superior in all ways compared to me, and I only want to learn from your wisdom and experience.

Please, Anonymous, if you're going to keep calling me an asshole, grow some balls and do it here.

Hell, I'll even help you get started. "That asshole Bubba..."

There, now you fill in the rest. Go for it, big guy. I'm betting you could even finish that sentence faster than it would take you to eat your graham crackers and milk while watching your after school cartoons.

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.

Sea Donkeys, Good Beer and Designer NASCAR Jackets, PART 2

A Study of Local Wildlife

So to bring this back around, I decided after my family went to bed on Saturday that I would head up to the local watering hole and grab a brew. I suppose I didn’t make it clear, but I was back in town to visit my parents. There, filled in the gap.

Let me say this, since I have moved away from The Big H, a very nice microbrewery with a great selection of hand crafted beers has been introduced.

The Big H is also home to 2 other local restaurants with bars, one big chain restaurant with a bar, and the local dive bar. The local dive is by far the most interesting if you’re in the mood to see the wildlife.

There are fantastic displays of plumage from both the male and female Muppets, typically seen in extravagant mullets and Skynard t-shirts. The pool table is another area with a multitude of examples. You can commonly see strutting and the puffing out of chests.

The repeated feathering of hair – aided by large pastel combs conveniently concealed in the species back pockets – is only one more way the Muppets show their sexual prowess. Loud mating calls and abundant acts of violence are witnessed, surely put in place to determine territory and dominance within the herds. Truly this is a spectacle to behold.

While I enjoy viewing this type of nature in all its glory, I chose on this particular night to check out the microbrewery instead. I’ve been there twice, but both times were the night before Thanksgiving, which as you all know is the biggest bar night of the year. I wanted to see what this bar is really like on a normal Saturday instead and hopefully make a new scientific find.

I was quite surprised, and pleasantly at that! The bar had about 50 or so people in it, live music from a guy who didn’t play Freebird, and there wasn’t an aroma of sweat and smegma lurking in the air.

While the service was poor, the beer was reasonably priced and quite delicious. Good enough, in fact, that I will be making another trip down there just to try more of their brews. Stay tuned for that report sometime in the near future if all bodes well. If you know the place of which I speak, make sure to try both their Oktoberfest as well as their Pumpkin Ale.

Now, as I was there alone, I was able to view a whole new strain of Muppets in a new and less tainted setting. Here is where I realized that there had been a mutation in the Muppet gene pool.

The town folk who came in here were different. There was less than a 10% ratio of mullets to non-mullets. These Muppets had most of their teeth, and in some cases, ALL of them (see “gifted” as noted in PART 1)! There were no sleeveless t-shirts, no dirty hats, and no jeans with circles worn in the back pocket from their tin of chew.

And at that moment, I thought I had stumbled upon an enigma in The Big H. There were no NASCAR jackets. But then, as I was telling myself I must be in an alternate dimension, 3 of them walked in the door within 15 minutes of each other.

These were obviously the Alpha Muppets of the county, because these weren’t just NASCAR jackets, they were designer NASCAR jackets!

These “officially licensed” replicas were pristine. They were so realistic I could almost smell the burning rubber of the tires. In the distance of my mind, I swore I heard some driver incoherently explaining how he managed to pull out another win after putting a few guys into the wall.

The Alpha Muppets were instantly recognized and revered, although they seemed to not be together. They showed respect for one another as well as those around them. Secure in their dominance, there was no need for confrontation.

What a beautiful sight, being able to witness these exemplary specimens. I hope to view more of them on my next trip to The Big H.

And this, dear readers, is my most recent scientific observation of the Muppets in their new habitat. While the setting has changed and the species has evolved, be warned. These are still wild creatures and should only be approached with the utmost respect and fear.

If you’re ever lucky enough, as I have been, to witness them in their natural surroundings, stay calm, speak softly, and grab your camera. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I wish I could have spent more time studying them, but alas, I was confronted and cornered by not one, but two of the most deadly species in a small town bar: the Sea Donkeys!

Coming next: The Bubba goes face to face with the dreaded Sea Donkeys!

‘Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.

Sea Donkeys, Good Beer and Designer NASCAR Jackets, PART 1

Well, kids, The Bubba is back to thrill you with a wild tale of the backwoods. Due to the fact that this has become a much longer story than I planned, I’m going to break this into a few parts so as to let you take this all in. That or you can skip on to the next part if you don’t give a fuck about what I’m talking about.

The Big H – The Overview

I took a short road trip to my old hometown this past Saturday (name of the town held out of respect for myself). Let me explain a few things about the town I grew up in before I begin the debacle that was my evening.

My hometown, or as I’ll refer to it from here out, The Big H, is a small farming community that thinks it’s sophisticated. Granted, while it may be the county seat, that only says less about the rest of the communities surrounding it.

First, The Big H got some class when it got K-Mart. Then, it became a Super K. Might as well be Chicago, right? All right, readers, hold your breath because here’s where things blew the fuck up. The day The Big H went “all out upper echelon aristocrat” was the day when Wal-Mart rode into town. Who the fuck knew that Wal-Mart was all that was holding these inbred Muppets back? I didn’t, but if you’re ever looking for an exercise in odor awareness, go to the Wal-Mart in The Big H. It’s breath taking. Or at least you’ll wish you could stop breathing.

The Big H is chock full of rednecks, 10 cent millionaires who think they know things, and cousin fuckers. Let’s just say that if someone in The Big H is referred to as gifted or touched, it means they either have all their teeth or it was their uncle doing the touching.

The social elitists in The Big H are nothing to aspire to. They drive certified pre-owned vehicles, send their kids to college if they aren’t total ass clowns, fuck each other’s wives and pretend to have worldly knowledge.

While I’ve seen enough hillbillies in my life in that town, given the choice, I’d rather sit and have a beer with one of them than any of the wife fuckers previously mentioned.This, in a nutshell, is a brief overview of The Big H. If you’ve got questions or would like to know more, drop a comment and I’ll be more than happy to get back to you on it.

And at this point, kids, I’m going to do my best James Patterson impression and end this chapter for no reason. Hopefully you’ll read on. If not, go corn hole your dog.

So until next time:

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken

My Precursor to All Things Bubba

So after criticizing my friends on their blog for the last month or so, I decided it was time to let them take a whack at me. While I fully admit I am a backwoods hill-fuck with the testicular fortitude of a retarded billy goat, you may find something here worth reading.

That said, here is just a bit about who The Bubba is and why The Bubba is so damn important:

I'm a full on nerd, seething with ridicuolous amounts of useless random information; I'm a country boy with an appreciation for the world and the ability to see through the bullshit we are fed on a daily basis.

I'm an avid beer drinker who sees no problem with wearing hiking boots, wool socks and shorts in the summer. I've spent countless hours fishing, playing pool, hiking, watching movies, reading comic books and playing video games. All this and I still find it possible to be social. Go figure.

Oh, and lest you forget, I'm smarter than you.

I'll be back at later date to prove this, but for now you can sit and wonder what this rambling hayseed may be talking about in his next post. I'll give you a hint: Sea donkeys, good beer and designer NASCAR jackets. Stew on it, I know you'll be waiting.

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.