Infomercial sales guys in a fight to the death?

Hello again, all you little sciolists! The Bubba is here once again, despite a bit of a hiatus, to bring a little joy to your lives!

I've had a few of you question my love affair with the mullets, and all I can say is once you start looking for them, it's all that you see. They're intoxicating, and much like meth, hard to give up. This post, however, will be mullet free, although I bet both of the guys I'm going to talk about have had one before.

I'm sure by now all of you are familiar with the ShamWow! You know, the overpriced towel getting hocked by the creepy, pedophile looking assbag on late night TV?

Well, if you haven't seen him before, Vince (real name "Vince" Offer Shlomi - trust me, the name's legit) is back with a new product called the Slap Chop.

I'm not promoting nor am I negating the quality of this product, but this is one of the most fucked up infomercials I've seen in a long time. Check it out.



Now, there's plenty to talk about here, but I'm going to try to keep this somewhat short.

First, did you catch the Gunther-esque sparkle on the fruit? I was seriously waiting for him to purse his lips and have the Sunshine Girls doing the snake behind him.

And how about the line, "You're gonna love my nuts" followed by him reaching below his belt before revealing a bowl of walnuts, pecans and some other random munchies? Just a bit of a double entendre, don't you think?

And let's not even try to figure out where he was going with "Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini." Seriously, I'm starting to think this guy is more like Gunther than I imagined. (For you newer readers, go back to the January 10th and January 14th posts and acquaint yourself with Gunther - you'll be glad you did.)

Perhaps the most impressive thing in the whole add is not the Slap Chop itself, the funny remarks or the sparkling strawberries is the over the shoulder shot of the competition's product into the sink. I actually watched this a few times, thinking that it had to be staged, but if you watch the reflection in the glass behind him, I fucking think he actually pulled it off.

The last thing I want to point out is the hard boiled egg with a sweet pickle, a green onion and some ham. "You don't have time to make breakfast. Breakfast to go." What the fuck did he just say? When's the last time you saw those four items diced up and called breakfast? And how the fuck is that breakfast to go? Are you going to grab a handful of your minced up leftovers and toss them in your suit pocket to munch on while you're driving to work?

Here's the best stuff I found while cruising the net to find a little more info about Vince and his Britney Spears headset. This guy is a total nut job, in case you weren't sure.

Vince Facts: Former Scientologist, sued Anna Nicole Smith for backing out of his "film" The Underground Comedy Movie (also sold via infomercials), and feels partially responsible for the term "German Engineering." Oh, and he used to sell shit at flea markets. Go figure.

To make things better, Billy Mays, aka the OxiClean guy who is continually yelling for no fucking reason, appears to have a deep seeded hatred for Vince.

When asked about Mr. Slap Chop, he stated, "Please. He's a one-hit wonder. He took a shot at the title and but can't compete." Apparently when you have a bearded chin and extra hairy forearms, you think you're invincible behind your denim shirt.

Now, I can understand Billy's anger a bit. He's pitched a product exactly like the ShamWow and the Slap Chop both. And we all know Vince is back woods trash, regardless of where he came from.

Now, for as much as I'd love to see a street brawl between the wiry, crazy eyed Vince and the bearded, loud mouthed Billy, I don't think it will happen. When asked if Vince thought he would be the next Billy Mays, he responded by saying, "I don't want to be. I'm in the film business. This is not my career."

Keep believing that, Vince. You're the next Brad Pitt.

Until next time, kiddies. I'm off to partake in some beer and good conversation with friends.

'Nuff said. The Bubba has spoken.